Family Heirloom Gardening

I have very fond memories of my dad spending the day with us on little projects around the house when we were growing up. It sounds so suburban-middle class, but that's what we were. I keep those lessons with me everyday. He would paint with us and teach us perspective; we would mow the lawn and he'd tell us about yard maintenance. One day, I remember it was just me and my Poppie. He told me about the California Golden Poppy. It was our state flower and he loved having them all over our yard!

This day, he had cut some of the flowers and was working with them over the dining room table. He had a plate with tiny black dots all over it. He was harvesting the seeds. I don't remember much of the lesson verbatim, but I can still remember the feeling of stretching across the table with my knees in my dinner chair. Stretching to see what he was doing with these tiny, little seeds. I remember him putting a clear glass bowl over the lot of seeds and telling me that they were going to POP! And that would be our next poppy flower.

This memory is why I call him Poppie today and one day my children will do the same. And when they ask why, I will tell them this story.

Fast forward to many, many years later, my cousin Katie starts up her own seed business. She is crafty, money smart and LOVES to garden. Last time we were in Michigan visiting, she had everyone, including our aunt, sitting on the floor over newspaper separating seeds from the dead heads of plants. She explained how she separated them, packaged them, labeled them and sold them at the farmer's market and on-line. She is crazy-imaginative and so meticulous.

In our garden this year, we have new tomato plants next to plants that re-sprouted from last year! We have some of cousin Katie's seeds and some plants we got from the local farmer's market. This year we started off with Bibb lettuce and a red Romain. We ate off the lettuce for a good month or so before it bolted. ARRRG! I tried different tricks to keep it from bolting so early but I just couldn't keep up with the growth. So, I pulled some plants to make way for new vegetables but I left some of the bolted lettuce to see if I could get seeds from them- Like cousin Katie does. ;)

After weeks of this over-grown lettuce, I saw flowers come and go and today noticed little tufts of fluff on the end of the old flowers. After searching the trusty Internet, I found out it was time to harvest the seeds.

I pulled the fluffy heads and collected them in a small dish. I brought them inside and, like my dad, I sat at the dining room table to separate the seeds from the rest of the plant. What a great haul!

I, of course, planted some right away in plastic cups and brought them inside to water and start growing. I labeled the rest of the seeds to plant later in the year or even next spring!

I'll be charting the progress to see how long it takes to germinate and harvest. I can't believe Katie does all this with TONS of plants!!

We'll see how it turns out! I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: After a week or so of watering, I found only one sprout in my seven cups. I did some more research and it looks like lettuce seeds need a cold snap to become viable. So, I threw my other seeds in the fridge. We'll see what happens. ;)

Silver Linings and Thorns

The only way to get through the roller coaster of UC, is to look for the silver linings. Everything will come and go. Even though, sometimes it seems like things just keep going... The pain will subside at some point.

The problem with living your life like that, is that when you get a rose, you often see the thorns.

Over the last week, my bathroom visits have drastically reduced. At night, especially, I'll get up ONCE! The whole night. I haven't been able to do that after a normal sized dinner for I don't know how long!

While in the bathroom at 3:35am the other day, I was thinking about this. Immediately after congratulating myself, in my mind, I got a twinge. Twinges are normal; Gurgles are normal; Any odd abdominal noise or feeling has become normal. But this twinge awoke a fear in me.

The thorn- What if I have a kink in my J-pouch!? This isn't UNcommon. Most people with the surgery find they have a kink at some point. It sounds painful and one of the first signs is slow movements...

By the time I woke up, I had forgotten about the twinge but it made me think, when will I not have the "thorns" popping up? When will it just be a normal tummy ache?

To make it worse- My heart palpitations are back! What is that!? Hahahaha

Denied Worker's Compensation

Today, I received an email from my worker's compensation adjuster. In the email, she thanked me for my patience and then bluntly said, "there will be no claims paid."

I immediately sent it to my Human Resources department and the Executive Director. I had been talking to my old supervisor all morning about how difficult it is to forgive the woman who choked me when I feel that I have all the repercussions for the assault she did onto me. She assured me that the woman is deeply sorry and she hasn't been in the office until recently.

Of course, after the email, I was sobbing. I met the ED in the hallway who said, "HR will know how to appeal it. I'm sorry to hear that," as he cleaned his oatmeal bowl and quickly walked out of the room. I went to the HR's office- Empty. I sat on the couch and waited for her return from, what I assume was, her smoke break. "What's going on?" she asked as though she had been forced to say it. I told her I was denied worker's compensation and her response was, "Yeah, I got the email." Really? Then why'd you ask? Why else would I come into your office? Certainly not for a social visit.

We called WC and the adjuster said I was denied medical bill reimbursement because I did not go to WC approved doctors. I need a referral from the doc-in-the-box they send us to for Worker's Comp and preliminary drug testing. Even if I go now, they will not make it retro-active.

I went to that doc-in-the-box and saw the same doctor that evaluated my neck injury hours after the assault. We had a heated conversation where I learned that, despite my lack of a medical degree, I should have told him that I needed to see a therapist when I saw him in September. Then he would have referred me to one but now, he can't say to go to a therapist because I am already seeing one; he wants me to stay with this therapist because he knows the whole story already... He suggested I go back to my HR. Yes, the lady who told me to go to this doctor and asked me, "What do you want me to do? You act like I have some power in all this!" Human Resources at its finest.

I am calling every attorney I know, gathering all my documents, apply for government funded assistance because the company, that my organization pays to cover their employees after things like assaults, decided not to pay out money that has been paid to them for this exact reason.

When the assault happened, all the supervisors were happy to help and expressed how I "deserved" compensation for this attack. Now, no one feels it is there job to make it happen.

There is light at the end of the tunnel; This tunnel is just really long.

Homemade, homegrown salsa verde

Mmmm. As the winter approaches, we are coming to our last harvests. Today was our tomatillos and pepper.
I roasted the tomatillos and pepper, after halving them, until blackened. In a pot I added olive oil, onion and garlic. I chunked the harvest and added it to the pot. If I had lime, I'd add it now but I just added some salt and veggie stock. Simmered; blended; simmer until thick. Booyah! It is amazing with my black bean quesadillas.

Bloody Mary Costume

I was on the phone with my friend, Mary, deciding what we should be for Halloween. We played off her name and favorite drink and came up with Bloody Mary! The drink!

So, she's going to put celery sticks in her hair and I came up with crocheted olives!! The larger one could be a necklace or another hair accessory, maybe a bracelet. Total costume picture to come! :)

Back to the grind

Last week I was offered another (temporary) position at work at the same rate. Because our offices are moving, they will hire me to aid in the moving- organizing, shredding, files... until the end of the year.

I have some apprehension about going back. The idea of the office where participants can just show up, frightens me. The other night I was thinking and preparing myself for going back as I laid in bed about to fall asleep. Before I knew it, I could picture myself moving a box in the corner of the office, turning around and seeing her. Blocking me from the door. And then I felt her hands around my neck again. It triggered a panic attack, as you can imagine. I woke up Eli and took a anxiety pill to calm me down.

Since then, I've been trying to rationalize the likelihood of that happening. I know it would be very unlikely. I know I can prevent it and I know if it did happen, I would be able to call out for help.

I am still nervous about going and thought about it all night.

Here's hoping!

Never stops

Eli used to joke that my full time job is my health- Not so funny now!

Friday, as we were heading out of town to get away from ourselves, we got a call from the APD (Atlanta Police Department), asking for more information about my assault. They asked for the attacker's birthday with exact year, address and I'm sure other things I can't think of now. All stuff I gave to the investigator on Monday. "Who did you speak with? We don't have anyone here by that name. Were you at zone 3?" I was at zone 5- where they told me to go last week. Where they took my written statement and got all her corrected information. "Did you call zone 5?"

She actually said, "I don't have any reason to call zone 5." She, the investigator, wanted me to call my work to get the above information and call her back. I called zone 5 to send her the information.

The weekend was a much needed getaway with my in-laws. Eli ran a race and came in first for his age group, that is slowly climbing... so is mine. Great for his race times; not so great for one who sits around all day investigating her own assault...

We took our 85 pound, five year old puppy to the beach to let her run. She was so excited and happy. Each time running to the water and back to me, almost to check in with me. On the beach, alone, I felt safe and sound. Free of fear and anxiety.

As we left, of course, we started to talk about our next move. The thought of going into the office that has supported this woman, for probably close to 20 years, tightens my shoulders and sends a pain through my gut. I ball up in the passenger seat, the seat she sat in when she reached for my throat. Then the thought of other participants- people who have yelled at me before, people who have records, people I used to want to help have now become masses of furry concealed until I unleash it. She is still receiving services while I am locked in my home, waiting for a warrant to be served.

I ran errands today and was feeling good. I have only taken my klonopin when I can feel a panic attack coming on and have even started splitting the pills in half. And then the phone rings. It's not the police, or the worker's compensation firm, or my office. It was my nurse for my gynecology/oncologist. My appointment is tomorrow but this was not a routine phone call to verify my appointment. She said, "I know you are coming here tomorrow but I wanted to know if you want to go ahead and schedule the surgery?"

The surgery?! I don't even know what the diagnosis is. I don't even know what "the surgery" is! This is not what you want to hear when you are on Prozac and klonopin to "just get by"!

24 hours from the phone call, I will find out what she is talking about. I'm hoping for the best... surgery?... is there such a thing?

The aftermath

Today was my day to get things "in order". I met a new therapist who seems to understand that things were bad before the attack and now things are just a horrible!

Next, Zone 5 precinct to press charges. The investigator seemed helpful and concerned for the most part but was a but surprised when I mentioned the doctor put me on major anti-anxiety medication and I have not returned to work. Hummm...

Then, the phone calls. HR rep called- I need to talk to an adjuster to get my medical costs paid; I can't just see who I want, I need to go where they send me; Unless I've already seen one, in which case I need to give my statement to the adjuster and they may need to contact the doctor... Worker's Comp lawyer- We need to set up an appointment to get the story down and see if we have a case; and next week won't work for him, how 'bout Wednesday? Afternoon? Fine. (I feel like he's a lawyer...)

By 3pm I was ready to be alone and not talk about it. I sent Ophie to the neighbors' and turned on my appletv to catch up on reruns. I tried, at the urging of my doctors, to delay dosing until I can get a feel for how I am doing each day. If I can get through the morning without a crying spell, I'm good. By lunch, even better. Unfortunately, about 3 pm was the tipping point.

Depression began to set in. It quickly turned to panic; sporadic breathing and uncontrollable shaking. The medication is pretty fast acting but it took about 20 minutes for me to calm down.

I called for reinforcements. Emily and Casey came over to snuggle. Casey has turned into a gentle, caring little lady who could make anyone smile. She gently rubbed my back just like my dad used to when I'd stay home from school. She showed me pictures of her trip to Six Flags and was so funny. The medication began to do it's job.

Tomorrow is another day. No plans. Just working on me.

I wonder if my participant will be in the office for her bi-weekly meeting.