Last night, Eli asked if I would get up with him and have coffee before he went to work this morning. Of course I would. For some reason, today I didn't go back to bed, which is what I usually do when he makes such an atypical request. As I watched the Today Show, I was surprised to see a discussion so deeply intimate for me: Miscarriage.
For a long time I have not published my story of miscarriage. I'm not sure why. It was so personal for me and Eli and really, only a few family members knew we were expecting. I have talked about it- it's not like I am ignoring it. But to publish the story of my short pregnancy seemed like it made it available to anyone without discrimination.
Sometimes I can go weeks without even thinking about it. Once-in-a-while I'll hear a song that reminds me; I've come across the sonogram pictures and sometimes when I pass the spare room I think about all the plans I had to make it the baby's nursery. Little plans I talked to Eli about; costume ideas for Halloween to showcase my Buddha belly; they keep popping up in my mind randomly.
I still think about the day we lost the baby. I have experienced so much physical pain in my life but nothing compares to a miscarriage. It was such a sharp pain. It was so distinct. I remember the look on my sister's face when the doctor told us what we feared. I remember when Eli came home and we couldn't say anything to each other; we just embraced.
I have published the hidden posts from the pregnancy and hope it leads to some peace for me and anyone else needing the support.