Monday, June 15, 2009

Really? Is this my life?

So, I would love to be that girl that takes everything in stride and can totally deal with the problems of real life. But I'm sorry, is this really happening to me? Maybe I should just stay at home for the rest of the summer until this bag is gone...

Last night, Eli, Em, Stephen and I decided to go see Drag Me To Hell (hilarious!). This was going to be my first movie in almost a year and my first multi-hour outing with my buddy, the bag. Eli and I ate before hand because we knew we couldn't afford the $15 hot dog at the concession stand. Of course we made room to share a pretzel and drinks.

This Icee was the size of my head! No joke; a medium! I had to hold it with both my scrawny arms just to drink it! But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Before the movie, Em and I cruised the mall. Window shopping because every place in the south closes super early on Sundays. While sitting on a bench outside the Old Navy, my buddy starts getting kinda full with gas. No biggie except it makes it really uncomfortable with jeans on, no matter how low rise they are. So, we are outside; no one is around. I'm going to burp my bag. Just to get a little gas out. I lift my shirt, pull the tab FOR BURPING and release some air. No one notices, everything is Kosher!

Now we go to the movies, get the drinks, eat the pretzel and head to our seats. After all the commercials and previews the movie starts. It is hilariously redic. But enjoyable. I drink and drink and drink. I notice my bag is quite full again. Must be air right? I go to burp it and I feel my warm waste flowing over my muffin top and on to my back and down the top of my jeans. Holy crap! I just pooped my pants in a movie theater! REALLY? REALLY, COULD THIS BE HAPPENING! Of course I tell Eli and he offers to take me to the bathroom. When he sees the utter look of defeat in my eyes he reminds me to just hold it together until we can get to the car. I decide to take Em to the bathroom so she can work the crowd in the bathroom should there be a need.

We get up and haul buns as fast as my emaciated legs can go! First we can't find the bathroom- that place is like a damn maze. Then we realize it is all the way by the concession stand-where EVERYONE IS STANDING! We finally get in there and there are like 2 women in there- no biggie. Then, all the toilets have urine on them or poop in them- really people, if you can't flush a toilet you don't belong in public! Ed Begley, Jr won't kill you for not obeying the three-pee-flush rule in a public restroom!

When I finally find a suitable stall, I begin to strip and find that my powder pink under wear are bright, Icee red! The solid waste must have followed the laws of gravity and sunk to the bottom of my bag while the red dye number 9 Icee floated to the top! I don't smell like poop. It doesn't look like poop. I'm saved!

I empty the bag and contemplate what to do with my wet under-roos. I am not putting them in my bag... I dry off, stick some extra TP where I "Spilled" and I am going back to this movie! I did not spend all that time convincing Eli that it would be a fun outing to see half a movie and jet because of a liquid burp!

I finished the movie. I even walked all the way to the car- It took while but I did it! I even did stairs!

So, the moral of the story is don't burp unless you know its air! And, I guess things aren't always as bad as they seem. You live; you learn.

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