Saturday, July 4, 2009


I have always had a little social anxiety. Over the last seven years it really got bad- to the point where I found myself in a chair talking to a "doctor" asking about my childhood!

I thought it was better but I think I jut learned the right questions to ask to get me prepared for what I would face later on in the day. I've skipped dinners because the restaurant was new to me; I've missed out on parties because I didn't know who was going to be there or the bathroom deets; I passed on trips because I haven't taken those roads before... Now I ask- where is the bathroom, how many people are going to be there that I know/ don't know, and who is driving because it's not me! :)

With the bag, it has just opened up Pandora's box! I have to find a whole new set of questions before I decide to go out. And when I do, I am such a freak about what people think that I try to just get it all over with. The second I see someone I know I ask, " Wanna see my bag!" And then I launch into my explanations of all the scars and what the next surgery entails. I can't tell you how many times I've lifted my shirt (just enough to show the bag- don't get excited!) to show off my new hardware just to deflect my true discomfort with it.

It isn't easy. It doesn't get better- like they all say. You don't get used to it; you probably just find the right questions or answers to give. "I'm feeling much better..." But I still feel like crap! And on top of that, I have low self esteem and feel self conscious about the ballooning pouch affixed to my belly and the uncontrollable butt leakage, hopefully getting caught by the miniscule pad "safely" secure in my panties, until I move! It always a gamble... "Wanna see my pouch?"

I just feel like people aren't looking at me trying to catch a glimps or a sign of what I've been through. This way I can just get it out in the open and forget about it. I guess it is just my new nervous tick.

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